Mnki Tongs

Mnki wearing the HangOn

What is this creature the people call Mnki?

Its a monkey.

Monkeys like eating.

They also like fun - lots of fun.

FUN IN MY WIKI, FUN MAKE ME HAPPY,

MONKEY IN MY WIKI MAKE ME HAPPY.

(like MonkeyInMyTummyMakeMeHappy).

---

Things that Monkey Says:

Mnki and Frki are sitting on some steps on a hill - taking in the view of Mysore. They see a race course - and after a while they even notice that some races were going on. So very peaceful.

Frki asks: Who do you think is going to win?

Mnki says: The horse thats in front.

Mnki doesn't know why, but it made Frki laugh a lot.

I really can't be asked to do that.

(when singing the Bryan Adams song) Please forgive me, I know what not to do!

Fun loses its serious purpose when it takes itself too seriously.

a typical conversation with Monkey:

Mnki: Ass burgers?

Frki: Huh!? No, Asperger's

Mnki: Ass burgers are brown and are between two buns.

another typical conversation with Monkey:

Frki (leaving more unfinished books on the shelf): I guess I'm not a finisher.

Mnki (from bed): He's a finisher.

Frki: Who is?

Mnki: Bed.

Frki: (sigh) That's furniture.

---

(this could be a weblog):

Monkey's Random Thoughts:

The best thing monkey likes about this Wiki is that its very very simple layout and it almost looks like I am doing work.

A few things monkeys are scared of typing:

Regards - what if I put 'Retards' by mistake. The G and the T are quite close to each other on the keyboard nah?

Good Luck - What if I put 'Good Lick' by mistake. The U and the I are quite close toe each other on the keyboard nah?

24th November 2003

I had this thought last week: I would happily be a slave of the net if it let me.

18th December 2003

I am currently obsessed with this word game, and given that I am a Tong, I am obsessed with animals (in this context, anything living). In the absence of anyone else to play the game with, I shall play it here on the Wiki.

PS This game is quite boring to play by yourself.

Aardwark, Kangaroo, Ostrich, Hare, Emu, Unicorn, Newt, Tiger, Rabbit, Tape Worm, Monkey, Yak, Koala, Antelope, Elephant, Toad, Dog, Guinea Pig, Griffin, Natterjack, Krill, Llama, Aardwolf, Frog, Gorilla, Albatross, Spider, Raccoon, Nematode, Elk...

You're right, actually. This is dull to play on your own. However, see my FunGame, 3LetterFun.

Maybank 2004

Rick, last night I dreamed that you were a carbohydrate and I was a protein.

Didn't Mnki dream that Rick was a protein and Mnki was a carbohydrate? I think if she had been the protein, she would have been less devastated about the dream.

Yes - Mnki was the steady, slow release of energy whilst I was the fast-burning speedy one. --r

I knew that Mnki was the slow one but I forgot which way round that was; as far as I'm concerned beer is the only food group. --s

05-MAY-2005

As the ancient chinese proverb [1] states:

To be happy for a day, get drunk.

To be happy for a week get a pig (i.e. become wealthy)

To be happy for a year, get married.

But to be happy for life, become a gardener.

3 down, 1 to go. Mnki

And, now you have tomatoes growing, and other plants?

11-MAY-2005

A scenario in MnkiFrki House.

Sitting on the couch, half watching telly, half playing/working on our laptops. Frki working on his Artificial Life and Mnki playing Spider Solitaire. She feels like Maggie Simpson with her toy steering wheel.

12-MAY-2005

Mnki Tan Lines

6 weeks ago, mnki's body was at least 6 different colours. A swimsuit tan from Kenya, Slipper tan from India, Half sleeve tan from India, half finger tan from wearing wrist guards only while snowboarding. Mnki is happy to report that the only tan that remains is the kenyan one. She is almost one colour now.

21-JUL-2005

I was just thinking that I haven't had a thought for a while.

21-JUL-2005

Most of the time in our world, truth is just an opinion.

Truth is only ever an opinion, since fact can only be a matter of perception. Fergal wrote an extremely complicated paragraph about this somewhere on the wiki, but I much prefer your single line! --r

18-AUG-2005

So, it looks like I have eaten shrimp. At a thai restaurant. On some spicy salad. Even after making sure that it was vegetarian. I only found out when I ordered it again, and the waitress asked me if I wanted the scattering of dried shrimp on it. So those bits, that looked like bacon bits and didn't taste of anything, was dried shrimp. Although I felt slightly ill at the thought (not helped by a nearby conversation of how fish sauce is added to everything, even vegetarian dishes), I was more annoyed at restuarants not knowing what 'vegetarian' means. yeah yeah - I know some people think that vegetarians can eat fish. This doesn't mean that I will stop eating at restaurants, it also doesn't mean that I will eat only boiled rice in restaurants (who knows, they might even put fish sauce in it), it just means that I will be even less adventurous with what I eat. Chips and Salad it is then.

19-AUG-2005

Toilet Roll - does it matter which way up you put it in the handle? Does that sentence even make sense? Frki always tells me that I put the toilet roll the wrong way round 'to mess with his head'. I have noticed that in our offices, they have 2 handles and both ways are used. Now that messed with my head way more than not even having thought about it. I know that there is a huge psychological experiment going on.

Some things I have learnt this week:

• Silkworms don't die for us to get silk. They are simply bred. (I still don't like silk though - just have to think of another reason why.)
• We get the silk thread from cocoons. We can get a ridiculously long thread from one string.
• Silk is stronger than steel.
• Celeritus means swiftness in latin.

26-AUG-2005

Leaving the Royal Albert Hall, Mnki spots a huge golden statue of what looks like a hunched man.

• Mnki : Who's that dude over there?
• Ferg : Prince Albert
• Spim : C3PO
• Mnki : That makes so much more sense.

31-AUG-2005

So, on this day Mnki and Frki went to play table tennis during lunch hour. Mnki had never played before but soon realised that she doesn't need to whack the ball. Frki was well trained after all that practice in December with Aashi. Table tennis is a game of reflex rather than a game of strength, at least for beginners. I will definitely be playing again.

03-SEP-2005

Occasion - A family visit to Bletchley park.

Mnki's two favourite moments of this event are:

• The family huddled around a map of UK where FrkiGranny? was talking about where she had been working during the war, when suddenly another old lady appeared and the two of them started reminiscing about those times. They hadn't worked together or anything.

• Frki had gone ahead scouting for the quickest way, making woof noises. 30 seconds later, Frki running back with a real dog woofing at him.

08-SEP-2005

Well, Mnki has had a very busy week. With 2 people working together on a piece of work at the start of the week, she was leading a team of 4 by the end of the week. All good apart from ...

On Thursday, she had to get to Reading. As usual, she was in a hurry in the morning. She grabbed her bag and ran down her narrow stairs, got in her car, drove to Reading. It took her twice as long due to a previous accident. Parked, grabbed bag and desperate to get to the Loo walked briskly and professionally inside the Building, passing lots of people.

Sitting comfortably in the Loo, she realised with horror, that she had a pair of her big black bloomeries hanging from the velcro of the front pocket of her bag. The front pocket had not been closed properly, and as she had walked past the radiator at the top of the stairs at home, the velcro had captured her bloomeries hanging to dry. And there was no way that anyone could have mistaken them for anything else. And she was walking into the building at about 9am when there were lots of people around.

Luckily, she was too busy to dwell on it too much and forgot about it until the weekend. But now everyone knows.

23-SEP-2005

There is a new starter sitting next to me, with a strong birmingham accent. He is trying so hard to please everyone around him, he is so young and enthusiastic, he is talking too much. He is annoying me. When should I burst his bubble? Now or at 3pm?

In other news, with great delight Mnki realised that she has 6 extra days holiday this year - holiday she didn't know she had - it was carried over from last year. She had totally forgotten about it. Yaay!

How many days do you get each year, Mnki? I mean, weren't you gone for months? Destroy the boy now.

I get 12 days of paid leave a year - since I was on unpaid leave from Jan to April I get 7 days instead this year. I carried over 6 days from last year. And I bought 5 more from my flexible benefits. that makes it 19 days. I have taken 10 so far (Croatia and France). I plan to take about 3 during xmas. And I have 5 left over. Simple Innit?

12? That's evil. I guess it's coz MnkiWrki is an evil, US company?

The EU says that each worker must get at least 20 days of holiday a year. So for us in the UK, it works out to be 8 Bank holidays and 12 days. We have the option of buying up to 23 days more holiday a year. Which works out to be about 2 months. You can make different choices every year. So as far as MnkiWrki are concerned, its giving its employees the choice. And I quite like that.

01-OCT-2005

A snippet of the conversation around the Hutton dinner table.

FrkiDaddy : Do you know what JPEG stands for?

LucyLaLa : <scrunches face,thinks hard, she has almost got it>

FrkiDaddy : Do you know what a JPEG is?

FrkiMummy : Surely a JPEG is to hold a JCLOTH on(the)line!

Lots of applause and hooting from all.

Mnki : I think FrkiMummy is a secret internet user.

This made me laugh out loud. FrkiMummy is a natural tong! We should make an archive of FrkiMummyJokes?. --b.

07-OCT-2005

This morning, Frki is having a program off in Brussels. Him and a mate have 30 mins to program the same thing. Who can program it better and faster, thats the question.

I think I know the answer - is it Frki? --r

This never did take place since Frki's opponent chickened out.

23-OCT-2005

Having Sunday lunch in the pub on the way home from Fergal'sBirthdaySurprise the Tongs were discussing authors known by two initials and their surname, such as P.G. Wodehouse.

Frki: What does the E.E. in E.E. Cummings stand for?

Mnki: Ernest 'Emingway.

02-NOV-2005

Mnki to Frki : Have you finished programming yet?

05-NOV-2005

Last year Mnki, Frki and Bobcat went on a canal walk from Hoxton to Canary Wharf and rewarded ourselves with a pub lunch at the end. This year Mnki and Frki decided to do the rest of the Grand Union Canal Walk i.e. from around Camden to Richmond. We quickly realised that we were not going to be up and walking at first light so revised plans were to walk from Alperton along the River Brent and join the Grand Union all the way to Richmond. (About 12 miles in total)

The first part of the walk was on road, some of it on the A40. The most exciting thing that happened on this part was that we saw a rat, who wasn't even afraid of us. After leaving the A40 we were directed on and off a grass verge by the side of a road along the River Brent. The most exciting thing that happened on this part of the walk was that we were asked whether we wanted to be in a channel 4 documentary. Frki said 'We don't have much time' and Mnki said 'Yes'. We were asked to walk from a tree to a swimming pool, around 50 metres. We carried on. Along the river Brent we saw a Heron. A few miles after joining the canal tow path, we had to go back on roads; tow path improvements. Reworking our route, we joined the Thames Path. We came across a little girl who was kicking around a football who told us that it was a dead end ahead. Re-worked our route again. Found the 'real' Thames Path. Pretty much all the way to Richmond via some park. This time we rewarded ourselves with a few pints and a pub dinner. Some day I will put up a map of the route we took.

09-NOV-2005

Remember to add to lang dictionary:

Humpy Hour

Overwhelmed

little shit

little toilet

... I'm not so certain I like my name appearing here. Why Mnki so mean? --bc

I'm so sorry klau. As b and piglet have said, they are separate words that I want to add to the language dictionary. I hadn't realised they hadn't come out in a list and that they could be read as a sentence. Been writing word documents all week. Didn't mean to upset you at all. Sorry. Please forgive me, I know now what to do.

Mnki has now removed the offending word and stored it elsewhere.

What's wrong with being a RikiPedia?? --b

I've never seen Mnki be so rude. What's happening?

Oh, if you look at the source, I think she meant these things to be unrelated things she had to remember. I've added newlines.

Wow! Edit between reading the page and editing it. yeah. I think monkey has too many thoughts in her head, and she's swapping them out to permanent store. What most of them mean is a mystery. --b

Phew! Mystery solved! --bc

15-NOV-2005

On Broken News last night:

The road to nowhere: Authorities are proposing plans to ban the M25 as it goes nowhere.

19-NOV-2005

During Tongs Winter Summit in Cardiff, seen on a bridge, some graffiti - 'I love's ya.'

03-DEC-2005

Today Mnki saw 2 captive owls, on the High Street of South End on Sea. It looked like they could turn their heads all the way round. Weird. If only the man who had them didn't start speaking to us, we would have observed more.

06-DEC-2005

Mnki realised yesterday that she can make MnkiMexicana only in Tong Quantities. It also doesn't taste quite the same without the tongs.

14-DEC-2005

Lucy : I did a fore-arm stand at Yoga the other day.

Mnki : But you don't have four arms.

30-DEC-2005

While playing Isaac and Isabel on the eve of new years eve.

Isaac: First developed in the 1950s, my development was eventually responsible for the miniturisation of printed circuit boards. (Note: I have no idea what I was thinking of. Maybe a transistor).

Isabel: I smell fishy.

FrkiMummy: Fish and Chips

ps Please fill in Isaac.

15-JAN-2006

Jodie Marsh on Big Brother - 'I am sorry everything I say comes out of my mouth'

31-JAN-2006

[2] Asian Wedding as reported on The Standard (Kenyan Newspaper). Mnki went to school with these two and Bear might even remember Sheetal as she was at Aston with Kajal et al.

Ah, 'tis sweet! How did the move go? Is Frki happi in his new job? Did you have fun choosing a bedroom? --r

The move was quite smooth - we got our deposit back and got to Derby around 4.30 on Sunday. Immediately started doing the most important things - getting the TV and the Set Up Box and the internet connected. Frki spent yesterday being inducted which he thought was a bit of a bore and even ridiculous at times. He didn't have any internet access yesterday, although I believe this is soon to be rectified. He hasn't started doing any real work yet - apparently they had a re-org and he was helping move desks around yesterday! (maybe that is his job) We chose the big ensuite bedroom, based on the fact that it needed the least re-arranging of furniture and moving of unpacked boxes and it had a wide corridor leading to the door.

02-FEB-2006

In our local in Derby, or should I say, one of our locals in Derby:

Frki : You know, I get so tired in the evenings. I guess I am not very used to going to work anymore. Its all so overwhelming, new job, new city, new house, moving ... blah blah blah

Mnki : Frki, you are in a very special place at the moment ... The pub!

And that was the first time that evening that frki smiled and giggled, and in fact, kept giggling and snorting for a while.

13-FEB-2006

A description of the walk Mnki and Frki did in the Southern Peaks. [3] Although we cheated on our return from Milldale and stuck to the easy path rather than climbing higher. We were rewarded by fantastic caves and rock formations.

17-FEB-2006

MnkiFrki are 5 years old today.

19-FEB-2006

Contrary to experiences in large supermarkets, after refusing to take up 3 for 2 offer while buying some pickles in a grocers shop, the confused check out guy gave us 50p off the 2 jars that we had bought. He said he had never had anyone refuse that offer before.

26-FEB-2006

I nearly wrote a song:

When you are a geeky girl

Its quite hard to find some love

Plain Jane, Super Brain

Plain Jane, Super Brain

Just like her

Remove your glasses, curl your hair

And you'll find some love

When you are a stupid girl

Its quite easy to get boys

Dizzy Lizzy, Wonder Bra

Dizzy Lizzy, Wonder Bra

Just like her

Paint your nails, don't talk much

And you'll find some boy

If you are a cheeky girl,

Its quite hard to find a boy (thats not scared of you)

Cheeky Cheeky, touch my bum

Cheeky Cheeky, touch my bum

Just like her

Go on a show, pretend to be bad

And you'll find some boys

If you are a gothic girl,

Its quite easy to find love

Black Black, Dark Black

Black Black, Dark Black

Just like her

Wipe your smile, have no fun

And you'll find some love

If you are a famous girl,

Its really easy to find some love

Lotsa money, little sense

Lotsa money, little sense

Just like her

Flash your card and your smile

And you'll find some love

I wrote this song when I was bored

I know its not very good

But I wanted to be famous

To get some boy

According to The Street

27-FEB-2006

Mnki and Frki have just been giggling for 5 mins because the phone just rang and Tom Baker said 'Hello Deepu, I love your minkits' perfectly.

10-MAR-2006

Would anyone like to live at this post code, [DE22 2GE]?

It even looks rude!

We really could live there, how cool would that be? I could never look the postman in the eye.

We went there on Sunday with Rudolf:

Poor Rudolf - look how embarrased she is, she's trying to edge out of the picture!

And look at the nearby road names Ladycroft Paddock and even Firs Crescent (Furs Crescent). I blushed so much I burst a vessel! --b

19-MAR-2006

Let it be noted in history that this was the day LucyLaLa finally watched LiloAndStitch.

What did she think?!

22-MAR-2006

We are going snowboarding NEXT weekend. eeeeeeeeeeee! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

No other news.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT! OH MAN! I CANNOT WAIT! OH WOW! PLEASE CAN WE GO RIGHT NOW!?

In other news, did we need a bigger car with Pancakes coming? --r

I really, honestly don't know. If the ski-rack will hold our snowboards we should be ok. Don't know if we can change our booking to a bigger car. What do you want to do? Risk it, try to change our booking?

Ah - if there's a ski rack then there should be no trouble - I was thinking we'd have to put the boards down the middle of the back. He's only little anyway, and if worst comes to worst the two of us can take the bus or whatever. Cool! --r

12-APR-2006

Is it wrong that I read Interdit everytime I see Internet? Is this my subconscious telling me to go snurfing instead of surfing?

I wonder if French people say "on-ter-nay" like they say "on-terr-dee"? --b

07-MAY-2006

Lydia oh Lydia. Have you met Lydia? [4]

The intellectual age of the Tongs is an intelligent two year old. This is proved by the fact that we have just spent two hours in the lovely company of Lydia.

In [Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem], the world's oldest pub (can this be true?), in Nottingham, she took a liking to Mnki and came and sat at our table. We had a delightful conversation, snippets of which include:

Lydia: Hello

Us: Hello

(mother flaps and panics on a distant table)

Lydia: Ack iy dah!?

Us: It's water.

(Lydia stares at us like we are crazy)

Lydia: Ack! Iy! Dah?

Us: Wa-ter.

Lydia Oh. Water.

(Lydia turns around and extracts blu-tack from behind a poster and proceeds to stick it up her nose. Mother screams in terror.)

(Mnki takes blu-tack from Lydia, sticks on her fingers.)

Mnki: How. Many. Beermats. Are. There. Here. Hmmm.? ONE... TWO...

(Lydia climbs on the bench seating and looks out the window)

Lydia: (reaches for Mnki's bubbies) Ooo!! Boobies

(distant mother screams in embarassment)

Mnki: (tries to get Lydia back on counting) ONE...

Lydia: TWO...

Mnki: THREE..

Lydia: TEN...

Mnki: No.. FOUR...

Lydia: (grabs Mnki's topknot) Is that a hat?

21-MAY-2006

While watching King Kong, Frki tells Mnki, 'The day has come, when even I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's graphics.'

24-MAY-2006

Darwin's Nightmare [5] was on telly last night. I think it was beautifully filmed and had a powerful message. A series of interviews put together, no narration, allowing the watcher to come to their own conclusions. Admittedly, it was a bit one-sided.

A user on IMDB comments, extremely improbably, that "For most Africans, the head is the best part in the fish. So they don't care about eating fried fish heads." Talk about wilful blindness! --bc

30-MAY-2006

On this very historic day, tiny tiny tomatoes have appeared on one of our tomato plants. So, so cool.

07-JUN-2006

Poo has finally finished her 3rd year. Her results have just come out. She came second out of her entire year and missed the first place by 4 marks. Still, she sounds happy enough. Her text says, 'i'm dun studyin.' Kids, and their text speak, eh!

In other news, frki was telling me how he read somewhere that Gore and his family decided to live a carbon neutral life. We both agreed that it was a very simple and clear way of putting it. It's not how much you do for the environment, it's how much you do for the environment in comparison to how much you 'use' the environment. Based on this, I think that the most carbon neutral tongs are spim and bear. They don't own a car, use public transport and jet set around the world too much. bobcat is a close second, he walks to work (and indeed, walks around as much as he can), doesn't own a car, but does a bit of flying round the world. MnkiFrki are the worst offenders, they own a car and fly quite a bit. I am sure there are lots of other factors involved, but this is just a simple thought.

[Gore interview]

I've been thinking about Carbon Footprints too. Follow the link for more thoughts! --bc

30-JUN-2006

Yesterday we ate 3 tomatoes from our very own tomato plants. They were so yummy.

13-JUL-2006

I found a some tissue on the bag I carry on my hand. It has, handwritten by Frki on it, 'People who understand, necessarily forgive'. If only we could remember why it was written and when. The only clue is that the tissue is from a fair trade coffee shop called AMT Coffee, which I believe we had coffee from at Kings Cross at some point during our travels between Derby and London.

Is it a real proverb, or did HG Wells just make it up do you think? --r

Ah, I thought google would help. Men Like Gods can be read here (since it is out of copyright): [6]

I've got a collection of Wells stories to read, but it's so big and heavy I can't take it on the train or read it in bed. Grr. In related news, I love AMT Coffee's organic milk logo. More corporate logos should have udders:

15-JUL-2006

'A house is not a home until you get the internet'. Frki's very passionate words uttered first thing in the morning. I wonder what he was dreaming about. But it does explain why he was very humpy when he couldn't get NTL working on his machine. It also explains why he wanted to order the wireless router and install wireless at the first possible opportunity, even before he had unpacked his weetabix.

18-JUL-2006

People (animals, really) are wireless trees.

20-JUL-2006

I am SO glad that its cooler today. The last few days have been so hot that I couldn't even bear to eat during the day. Not good.

16-AUG-2006

What I want to know is which one of you cut of Dr No's hands. [7]

22-AUG-2006

Yaron was sitting next to a basil plant at HEH. He kept smelling and looking for pesto around him, and got confused when he couldn't find any.

Yesterday I watched a film called Bombay Talkies. The lead lady, Lucia Lane, reminded me of Felicity Kendal of The Good Life. I used the power of the internet to find out that the Lucia was played by Jennifer Kendal who is the sister of Felicity Kendal. Jennifer was married to Shashi Kapoor (the younger brother of Raj Kapoor) and I have always known her as Jennifer Kapoor. I love it when I find connections like that.

Tonight I was looking forward to going on a bat walk around Derby. But, disappointingly, it was fully booked. Instead, I am getting a bat walk around Darley Abbey with frki as my own personal tour guide.

23-AUG-2006

A few weekends FrkiMummiDaddi came to visit LittleHumphrey. Amongst various other things, FrkiDaddi went on slug patrol. This is when he takes a torch and some scissors, finds and cuts slugs into half. I wasn't allowed to watch, but couldn't overcome my curiousity, so went and peered at the halved slugs. They looked like bits of goose turd.

The next morning, most of the halved slugs had disappeared, which led to the speculation that perhaps we have a hedgehog in our garden. I haven't seen it yet.

Since then MnkiFrki occasionally go out with a torch and a bit of paper to look for slugs. Not able to cut them in half, we use the bit of paper to scoop it and fling it into next doors garden. I'm sure they will return.

One of the reasons we do this is because we think they have been eating our cut and come again lettuce and nibbling on [frki]'s lemons. Last weekend, we decided to chuck the dead lettuce in the compost and discovered catterpillars. They had been having the feast we would have had. Now I have 7 pots of lettuce growing indoors.

Another yucky task we had to do last weekend was pick maggots off the lilies. I still cringe at the thought of it. My mum says that having a garden means I would have to get used to this. She is a farmers daughter and thinks nothing of picking up grasshoppers and spiders and beatles and cockroaches with her bare hands. eeeeuuuuu! Its lovely to have a garden, not so lovely to have all the extra guests that come with it.

Staying with the gardening theme, we have uprooted all the slabs around what used to be the pond. The next task is to remove all the gravel and dirt from the pond, get rid of the lining and level the horrible rockery and turn it into a vegetable bed. Next year I am planning to grow some okra.

07-SEP-2006

Read in a restaurant menu: "During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days." W E Fields (More quotes at [8].

Overheard: I act like a bit of a c*** when I take (charlie), not that I'm not anyway.

Heard in Dragons Den:

Dragon: There is a fine line between a genius and a whacko. Which one are you?

Punter: I don't think I am the best person to answer that question. (He was trying to get the dragons on invest in a musical instrument that only he could play, badly, and he had been working on it for 20 years)

I didn't understand this at first, until I realised that by "Dragon" you didn't mean Mnki. Then it took about 20 seconds to remember why I thought that - i.e. that Mnki used to be Dragon Head. Grrr. Bizarre subconscious. --r

16-SEP-2006

Seen outside the Buxton Theatre, men dressed up as storm troopers advertising 'The Star Wars Trilogy' which upon further investigation turned out to be a one-man show. I really do wonder how they did it. The storm troopers walked around, talking through some electric device, trying to be rude but actually being quite boring. A lot of people had photos taken of themselves kneeling down with the storm troopers pointing guns at them.

04-OCT-2006

Last week, Rudolph's soul departed from its body. Even after several electric shocks and being on a life support machine, she didn't recover. Bless her soul.

Don't worry though, we found another soul that was compatible and she is well again, younger, slightly more fiesty, but still well. As a reward, she also got a pair of new legs and some of her arteries have been replaced. She also got new eye lashes and as an extra special treat, her name now illuminates when driving her in the dark. She always wanted that.

05-OCT-2006

A few days ago I had a dream where some potatoes had gone back in time because they believed that the way they had become immune to a virus made them less tasty. They wanted to remain as tasty if not more so they were going to try a different way of becoming immune to that virus. I don't know if they achieved their goal.

06-NOV-2006

On Page 241 of 'The Red Moon', by Kuwana Haulsey it explains that 'Ubuntu' means 'I am because we are' in the Xhosa language.

Ubunto tong or ubunto tongs, though? --r

Ubuntongs, surely!

14-NOV-2006

Head Shape or Shape Head is an anagram of my firstname.secondname. I am very disappointed, coz it was very nearly Head Sheep and thats what I wanted. Perhaps I can change my name.

I can't get the song from Salaam Namaste out of my head. My Dil goes mmmm mmmmm mmmmm.

Went to watch 'KEKEXILI : MOUNTAIN PATROL' yesterday. It was a story about a group of Tibetan volunteers trying to save the endangered Tibetan Antelope from poachers. Based on a true story.

17-NOV-2006

MnkiFrki have replaced the drinking of the equivalent of 7 bottles of wine to 14 litres of sparkling water per week. I scour the Health News everyday to find an article that will find a link between drinking sparkling water and some terrible health risk. Its bound to happen.

MnkiFrki were watching a documentary on the life (I typed 'lice' there, thinking of an entirely different program) of H.G.Wells. Frki mused as to what the initials might stand for. Mnki immediately informed him that they stood for Hugh Grant. Frki learns a new thing each day.

26-NOV-2006

I was standing outside our house, waiting for frki to come out after locking up and switching the lights off when a man passed me and said in a cheeky shy way, 'Hello Monkey' to which my reply was 'Same Hat'. For a fleeting moment, I did wonder how he knew my name.

Mnki.. (1) Was this a dream? (2) Why did you say 'same hat'? --b

Rick guess: Mnki has a hat which says "Hello Monkey"?

No dream. Mnki has a blue hat which says 'Monkey' and the man was wearing the same (but his own) hat.

Ahh, it all makes sense. "Mnki" is now much more natural a name to call Mnki than her real name.

Its a sad day when not everyone knows about all mnki hats.

Pah. You have so many, stolen from us over the years. Humph. I call for an independent inquiry.

How about just a list of hats? A hatalogue, of sorts.

18-FEB-2007

Always, always check that the baddies heart has stopped beating before rushing off and helping someone. In fact, if possible, watch them rot to a skeleton. Otherwise they always come back. Never assume they are dead just because they have fallen into a dark, dark pit.

We should have listened to this advise when trying to get rid of the vast number of wild bluebell bulbs in our garden. So lovingly, we got each bulb out of the vegetable bed and chucked it in the compost bin. Nothing survives there right. Wrong! They are growing in there. They have a second lease of life. We still live in hope that they are just growing out of stored energy and this will run out and they will die. THEY WILL DIE!

UPDATE on 12-MAR-2007

As it happened, all the wild bluebells in the compost grew really long shoots, desperately trying to get to sunlight. What that meant was that lots of them could simply be pulled out of the compost. So I spent some time yanking them out of there. I put them in a bin bag, double tied it and put it in the bin. I still haven't listened to my own advise. Is there any way they are going to make their way into the garden again? Maybe an urban fox will rummage through the bin bag, and the black cat will bring them all back, as revenge for having put barriers over its loo. Only time will tell. THEY WILL DIE!

(zoom in on a string of cats carrying bulbs around to the back of the house)

Cat 1: Any idea why we're carrying these bulbs back to the garden?

Cat 2: Don't ask me, I think we're still inside Mnki's head.

23-MAR-2007

As frki says, my world really is falling apart. So far, the aversion of food hasn't been too bad. At least its been all food. Then it turns out that I can't stand onions. Which is not too bad. But on Sunday, I discovered that I am off chips. WHAT!? My suspicion was confirmed when I stopped dreaming of chips and when a potato waffle didn't taste right. Am I destined to only like healthy, tart fruit like apples, grapes and satsumas? Does intense orange dark chocolate count as fruit or healthy? (insert picture of a monkey with a wall of chips crumbling around her)

In case anyone was furiously trying to get umptious carrot cake to me, the craving has passed. Thankfully!

In other news, I scalded myself 2 weeks ago. The burn is healing beautifully, even fascinatingly, says frki. The scalded bit, which had a blister has turned pink, with brown spots. Which prompted frki to tell me about Turing Spots. In simple terms, it means that between 2 colours of skin, there is a bit in the middle that can be stripes or spots. He also told me that mixed race children often have mottled skin as a result. Eek, will Zero be a Zebra instead?

I wouldn't say 'often' but I've heard it can happen. [Here]'s the Turing spots phase diagram - currently Mnki's scald is at (0.06,0.02) in [this] diagram, and moving back towards her fully brown skin (hopefully via stripes!). I'll try and get some photos tonight and we can monitor her phase diagram progress.

23-03-2007
26-03-2007		spots are growing in size, and joining together. spots have become more distinct.

18-APR-2007

Yesterday I discovered a clump of leaves on one of veg rows. It seemed to have appeared overnight. When Frki came home, I showed it to him and he was convinced that I had put it there. It totally messed with his head. We then realised that it was our potatoes growing. The theory is that they begin growing downwards, which is why we didn't see any little shoots appearing. But then, the silly things realise that they are growing the wrong way and flip upwards, gasping for air.

In other news, I really hadn't bargained for old memories coming back in dream form so vividly. Its mostly been intense and stuff that I had buried deep inside for good reason. However, last night, pleasantly, I dreamt of my little sister running around in her walker when she was about 1. Nothing else happened, just saw her smiling and gurgling and running about, all night.

21-APR-2007

Frki : I'd like a number 2 all over please.

Hairdresser : Does a big poo on Frki's head and smears it all over.

03-MAY-2007

zerozerozerozerozerozerozierozierozierozierozierozie

Stop! Its a trick, its a conspiracy!

Yesterday we saw zero on TV. He was rootling around, scratching its face, curling up and stretching. Mnki can now feel him moving around.

Hmmm.. we come back from the Algarve and suddenly Mnki has a large babu inside her? [9]

MnkiFrki have just spent a week in Quarteira, Portugal. LucyLaLa once said to me, 'The more you do, the more you can do'. I can apply this to pretty much anything and the sentence that summarises our week in Portugal is 'The more you sleep, the more you can sleep'. The most strenuous thing we did was a 1.5 hour walk along the beach to a fantastic restaurant in a golfing suburb called vale de lobo ii. The 1.5 hour walk back was in moonlight and magical only in dreams. In reality, it was too windy, cold and dark. And we had to cross a stream. Two exciting cat related incidents happened. Once a stray cat came into our tent and scared mnki by peering through our bedroom door. Another time, the same cat happened to be in the loo at the same time as mnki was. They scared each other and screeched until the cat made a dash for the door and escaped. The most sumptious things to eat were icecreams and oranges. The most sumptious things to drink were fresh fruit juices and green wine. mnki read one book, one local newspaper and 2 magazines. Frki read 3 books and 2 magazines.

Mnki! That's very irresponsible - you're reading for two now. Try harder. --bc

It was impossible to read Imperium (Robert Harris) any faster without zero correcting and interupting me every 5 mins. Mumki, its ubikitus, not ubikwishius! Mumki, pay attention to the punctuation. ... etc etc. I wish he couldn't hear whats going on in my head.

An ad for [Parcel Monkey] appeared on this page! Can this be the Tongs' delivery service of choice?

09-MAY-2007

Can you see what mnki has in her tummy? [10]

Its a fish!

08-DEC-2007

Turtle has more hats than mnki. Soon to come, a webpage where Turtle shows the world how to wear hats and look good in them!

13-JAN-2008

Mnki is more likely to believe that mnki is mad than frki is lazy. What is preferable eh?

27-JAN-2008

This is to record that Turtle ventured into the swimming pool for the first time on this day. She was a bit unsure and cautious at first, but daddi hugged her and bobbed her up and down. She didn't splash around at all, but didn't cry - I guess she was simply taking in the experience. She spent 20 mins in the pool, after which she was a little spaced out for a while. Fantastic fun!

31-JAN-2008

This is to record that Turtle sprouted her first tooth today. Bottom Patients Left.

I want to know what's going on in Mnki's life too. Has she made any more furniture at woodwork, or toys at her babu-club? What amusing things did she hear on the television, what strange creature did she see in the garden? --r

08-FEB-2008

Ah! Now that you ask, I have been watching Heros season 2, which I have been enjoying immensely. I also watched 'The cave of the yellow dog' the other day which was just fantastic.

Lala has just been to visit for a few days which has been fun.

We are making a treasure box at our babu club and last week we did some etching on a wooden spoon which was more difficult than it looks. I started out making really elaborate designs and ended up with just dots.

Been reading lots of Kenya news - scary stuff.

I have also been learning all about weaning.

I have been trying to get fit for snowboarding by going for uphill walks - I am still hopeful that I will be able to do a few runs in March.

I have been cringing at the thought of going back to work - it seems like zero was just born the other day - why do I already have to think about nurseries and work?

No no! Zero cannot be so old already. Man. Going back to work will be depressing. Kenya is scary I concur, while Heroes 2 is good but largely a reprise of Heroes 1. A shame they finish up early to avoid the writers' strike. Snowboarding will be a good way of getting fit for snowboarding! --r

Always works for me! --nug

14-FEB-2008

Songs not to sing to your child, even if you love the tune and don't know the words and make them up. They will grow up to wonder why you sang them to her:

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

You're beautiful, no matter what they say - Christiana Aguilera

25-MAR-2008

Yesterday we decided to watch Harry Hill, but I promised frki that he would giggle more when he watched delia - how right I was when delia decided to make her favourite food hoomoos. Where can you buy frozen chickpeas and frozen aubergine slices, I kept asking myself. And why would you? It was so so painful to watch, I don't think I will ever watch her again.

When a babu is in mummitummi, mummi's tend not to shed any hair. Frki tells me that evolution has thought of babu's needing warm blankets. I am sad to say that turtles warm blanket is now shedding.

A short summary of turtles first holiday. We decided to go snowboarding in Les Gets with frkifamily and honorary Hutton Nugget. We stayed in a fantastic chalet with all amenities close by. First day, we sorted out hire and practiced getting babu up the bubble. Some of us boarded. The rest of the week, mnki got to board for a while in the morning while frkimummi looked after turtle. In the afternoon, mnki went back to chalet for naptime and frkimummi went for a walk. The others boarded all day apart from joining us for lunch. It worked very well, apart from Wednesday when it rained lots. We all felt very cooped in our large chalet and in the afternoon we couldn't take in anymore and some of us went for a walk and the rest went out boarding. Turtle was fanstastic most of the time, she cried only during take off but ate her food in all the strange places that I decided to feed her. She was happy being carted up and down the bubble and took her new sorroundings in her stride. I had definitely expected it to be much harder than it was. Some tuncles were also in Les Gets, but in a different chalet down the road. We didn't see them much, their naptimes didn't co-incide with ours and some of them were not very well. Still, we did have a lovely meal one night and even got to board with tuncle R on the last morning. My only regret of the entire holiday is that I didn't see spim on board.

28-APR-2008

A few weeks ago I watched Beowulf. I enjoyed the film mostly because I learnt that in Old English, Pintle means Penis. Did we somehow know this when we started using [Pingle]?

I don't know, but I do know that "gudgeon" is by far the rudest word I am thinking of right now.

Happy Mnki Day, Mnki --r

Tentumix rbot.

08-MAY-2008

A mother at PEEP found at that it was my birthday yesterday and as soon as I walked in, my wish for a low key birthday were shattered as she greeted me with a cheery 'Happy Birthday'. I felt mean that I hadn't taken any cake, but I still got a cardboard cake with candles and everything. Turtle was fascinated with the candles. Then in the evening, we went for a swift pint at the Dolphin and after Turtle went to bed, we had chinese takeaway with a bottle of wine, followed by Tiramisu and strawberries. As a present from frki, I got a lie in yesterday morning. It couldn't have been a better day!

27-MAY-2008

Well, since its not on any other news, I may as well write about it. Today, we had a power cut from about 7.15 to 8.45 pm. Mnki had put turtle to bed and came downstairs hungry. With no means of cooking, we decided to get a chinese takeaway. Off a brave piglet trots. Minutes later, a manhole that he was just about to walk over EXPLODED. He was not hurt. He advised a woman, who came out of her house to investigate, to call the fire engine. Piglet began to log on to the humannet and found out that both gas and electricity was cut off and also that the derby train station was closed all day due to some sort of threat. How annoying that we couldn't get more information because the internet was also down.

In other news, turtle has now begun crawling.

This is all very exciting! Did you find out why things exploded yet? --r

It was a gas main. It didn't explode with flame but with pressure. But there were wifts of smoke coming out of it afterwards. I can't understand what happened, actually. There must have been a small gas explosion I guess but maybe down inside some pipes, and this was just the pressure wave? (But isn't gas just unutterably Victorian? We should all be on renewable electricity by now, according to my future history books.)

How thrilling! Yes, I agree about gas. It's so Victorian. Next there'll be a parafin explosion over at the chittlings plant. --r

07-AUG-2008

I really, really miss breastfeeding! 28 July was the last time I fed Turtle, after that she has refused to feed. Just like that. I thought it would stop on my terms and that it would be a battle. But no, she got there before me. Its a good thing, the health visitor said. It means she is ready to move on and secure enough not to want it. She said that most babies around the age of one who still breastfeed only do it for comfort anyway. So, thats the end of that era.

In other news, our veg patch has been a bit hit and miss. Courgettes coming out of our ears, but beans are dried up and shrivelled. Potatoes are fine, salad has had to be removed. Chives are reproducing, corriander has flowered and seeded. One lettuce seems ok, the other is in the tummies of slugs.

We had our first apple from James Greave yesterday. Turtle it seemed, enjoyed the tart taste the most.

A branch of our lilac has fallen, its on my task list to sort out the branches for kindling.

We have decided to give a lawn to turtle as a first birthday present, anyone fancy some digging?

Our kitchen remains unfinished; tiling to go. Why do these things never go to plan? Why do we keep making the same mistakes?

Summer is a bit dry for activities for babies. So turtle and I seem to spend a lot of time on our own. But tomorrow, we are going to a frkiwrki bbq in the afternoon. And last weekend we had gone to Stroud where we spent some time with frkifamili and alpafamili. The weekend before we went camping in birchover. We went for a short walk where we had to lift a sleeping turtle over a stile (she remained asleep), nearly dropped her (she woke up). The walk itself was a bit bumpy at the start but got better. We had some snacks at the 9 ladies (some old stones) where there were also some illegal campers.

Happy fourth MnkiFrki day, MnkiFrki. Turtle sounds like a very happy baby. I didn't get to be involved in the whole breastfeeding adventure as a child, and it seems unlikely I'll get to take part from the other side either. Crop wise, I grew two entire cucumbers (although they look a little sickly)this season, but the garlic, herbs and lettuce all turned grey and died. Hmph. --r

11-AUG-2008

Frki has finished the internet, so he is now writing a paper 'Evolution is fractal' which was inspired by an offhand comment made by mnki. Mnki is programmed to say 'fractal' anytime someone says 'branch'. Frki had been explaining to mnki how if i held my mummy's hand and she held her mummy's hand and if this goes on until eve, then the line would be only 300 miles long and how more children would create branches.

06-SEP-2008

The TV told us some statistic about boys and pornography. Mnki said to me: "I bet they didn't ask the boys if they even knew what pornography was. They probably thought is was photography, or phonography." This made me laugh a lot. I think mnki thinks that boys are like in enid blyton books, all studious and into collectibles.

09-SEP-2008

So, a couple of months ago, work had (informally)agreed to me going back to work on a part time basis. A week ago I had a meeting with my manager. I was led to believe that it was to iron out finer details and that that was the process! At the meeting, I found out that there had been a massive redundacy the week before and that now my part-time working was having to be reconsidered. We sat down and jotted down various options and I was told that I would hear from them in a couple of days. I still haven't heard from them! I am supposed to start work next Monday. Ho hum, I suppose this is a good thing and gives me some negotiating power. There is now way I can practically go back to work full time with just a couple of days notice, can I?

Oh! Good luck, Mnki. I hope things work out okay, and Turtle doesn't get sent down the mines. --r

11-SEP-2008

Work has given me the word, either come back full time, or look for a part time position within the company or leave! What should I do, oh Dear Tongs? Please help!

Oh. Hmph. What sort of part-time jobs are there in your co? Would you get redundancy if you left? --r

There seems to be NO part-time jobs at the co at the moment, and no I won't get redundancy either. Sucks big time. mnki

Sounds like [constructive dismissal] to me, to avoid making a redundancy payment. Especially if lots of others in your area were made redundant. I'd suggest speaking to an employment laywer. I assume you wouldn't consider going back full time at this time? --r

I have no idea about this stuff, but I think if I did, Rick's advice would be what I'd say - i.e. talk to someone who knows about this stuff. Sounds to me like they aren't being very fair. Hope this isn't causing too much stress. --b

Yuss, it's free to talk to the CAB. I also meant to say, hope you're feeling okay Mnki... -r

16-NOV-2008

Okay, we have a problem. Turtle has developed a 'fun' of putting a hand down my front and saying 'Abby, Abby, Hello!' Now, Abby is the name of her doll and when I want her to go off to play, I always say 'Abby, where are you, Hello?', hoping that she would go off and look for her doll and play with her. But a few days ago, she put her hand down my front and I screamed because her hands were cold and now she thinks its a game. But why does she call for her doll when she is doing this? Any ideas?

Maybe 'Abby' also means 'something fun to look for'? Or maybe Abby (the doll) is comforting in the same way as Mnki's front is? Discussion at [Abby Abby Hello]? please.

Yes, my guess is that she thinks "Abby" means "I WANT A THING", and is neither doll nor bazoomer specific. Compare with the story of the monkey who's looking at an elephant when the mother does the warning cry for 'snake', and the poor baby monkey gets it wrong and keeps warning the tribe about harmless elephants and ignoring the snakes, until he's eaten (I'm not saying, though, that Mnki's breasts will eat Turtle). --r

14-DEC-2008

Its sad times when garlic bread has to be shared 3 ways, and one of us only eats the soft bit in the middle! Hmph.

Garlic cottage loaves, rather than baguettes, must be the solution!

Must investigate these loaves. They definitely sound like the solution.

15-DEC-2008

Robobot, ages ago, you were talking of some miracle vitamins. Can you remember what they were called? Key word of the conversation were 'vitamins', 'works wonders' and 'cold'. Mnki feels like she needs a boost.

I think you must be speaking of the cocktail of drugs I read about which quashes a cold in days. You need to take an echinacea and 200mg of Vit-C each day that you feel weary (for up to 2 weeks). The echniacea boosts your immune system so you get better quicker, while the higher dose of Vit-C relieves pain by drying out membranes (best for drippy noses, sore throats, etc...) as well as - or so Linus Pauling theorised - making you immortal. If you're happy taking Bigger Drugs, I would recommend taking a regular dose of Ibuprofen (will unblock noses, relieve tension, relieve sore throats) and any off-the-shelf antihistamines (calms down sneezing and body's own reaction to the by-products of fighting disease, helping clear up red itchy bits). For throats, I can also recommend the throat spray Boots does, which just makes the pain melt away. --r

03-FEB-2009

Poor petrick has just died an awful death. It was caused by splitting his skin open by repeated scalding him with hot water. Long live petrick!

24-MAR-2009

I feel compelled to note that nowadays I feel quite comfortable sleeping on my back - something I was never comfortable with before. Why this comfort didn't manifest itself when Turtle was in my tummy, I don't know.

---

May 2009: Happy Birthday Mnki! --r

27-OCT-2009

Pizza hut has upgraded. Gone are the days when pre-tongs used to go to pizzahut to fill the salad bowl with special mnki techniques for valentines day. Now its all upmarket with rectangular plates and everything. And And And, when you walk in with a child, they give you crayons and stuff, you don't need to preplan to occupy your child while waiting for your food to arrive. We tipped the waiter extra just because he called turtle 'a young lady' which made her beam.

06-NOV-2009

Most people would hold the door open for others. Many men would hold the car door open for women, specially if they are paid. Some people even think that coats can't be put on unless they are held. My pig holds the duvet up for mnki when mnki is climbing into bed in the middle of the night, before enveloping mnki with his soft hairy limbs. Its worth needing the loo for.