A Helpful Guide to What It Is
The TongScientists have been working around the clock to develop the quiz below, which is intended to assist suffers of amnesia, autism, and those who are generally too busy reading the Sunday papers.
The matrix assists users in identifying different objects in the universe. Simply add up the score next to the question when the answer is "Yes", and then compare the score with the results at the end:
- Is it brown? (1)
- Does it cry? (2)
- Is it round? (4)
- Does it bounce? (8)
- Is it in France? (16)
- Can I eat it? (32)
- Should I eat it? (64)
- Is it spikey? (128)
- Does it lactate milk? (256)
- Is it grassy? (512)
- Do they serve pancakes and beer on the first floor? (1024)
- Did it die in 1963? (2048)
Now, add up your score, and compare with the results:
- 0: Fun
- 4: This is SiBen's IceHockeyHelmet.
- 5: This could be a poo. -- TimK
- 12: One of those super-bouncy balls you'd buy for 20p when you were a kid.
- 13: A brown super-bouncy ball.
- 16: FunInFrance?.
- 33: Piglo has been playing in the mud, and stopped crying (see below). Rolf must have let him out. Well done to the liberation campaign.
- 34: This is poor PigloThePiglet. Someone has made him cry.
- 37: This is probably a sparrow. Feed it suet and breadcrumbs. This could also be a poo. -- TimK
- 38: This is a baby. Do not feed it breadcrumbs.
- 39: This is a black lady's baby. Give it back.
- 46: This is a broken baby - you should not have tested if it bounced.
- 61: This is a rabbit dropping, but since it's in France it should cause you no major problems.
- 68: Mmm! Delicious Edam cheese. You're not supposed to eat the wax though (even though it does taste the same, I agree).
- 97: MMmmm! A delicious SanShi!
- 101: This is a potato.
- 117: This is a pomme de terre.
- 128: This is the spear of a Zulu. Do not panic: log off from your computer and run for your life.
- 131: This is the penis of a tomcat who also enjoys anal intercourse.
- 229: This is a curiously shaped potato.
- 236: This is a gooseberry. This tastes good with custard.
- 256: This is either a woman, or a non-brown cow. Try rubbing its nostrils to see if it tells you to get the fuck off.
- 259: Did you steal the black baby off this poor woman? Dude, I was serious when I told you to give it back. Look how fuckin' unhappy she is.
- 272: This is MadameLeCoq. Hide your €uros or clean like you've never cleaned before!
- 289: A platypus, maybe...? I don't think they cry, and I don't think you eat them.
- 317: This is a rabbit dropping that has evolved to lactate milk. Take it to the nearest branch of the British Library for a full study.
- 512: This is a field. Dance and make merry in it.
- 513: The same field in a drought.
- 613: This is a very old potato.
- 1024: This is "My Old Dutch" on High Holborn. Try the pancakes filled with chilli. Mmm.
- 1200: This is the Tour d' Eiffel in Paris. At 9 they have a fireworks display.
- 2085: An extremely rotten paté (LordyMaddy?)
- 2086: This is a dead baby, possibly murdered by MyraHindley.
- 2096: This is the corpse of Tristan Tzara. Assemble the bones in a random sculpture and exhibit it as "DaDa de DaDa"
Any other scores indicate that this object is insufficiently common on planet earth to be considered in this review. However, a team of TongScientists is working around the clock on an extended version.