Rabbi Bertholdt Himmler takes us through the wonderful world of religion.
There are three major religions in the world: Christianity, Jewry and the Desperate and Joyful Worship of Quetzalcoatl, the Wing'd Serpent. I will consider each in turn, highlighting the similarities and divergences, and attempt to bring some universal understanding to these three core religions.
CHRISTIANITY
The Christian god started out as quite a temperemental young man. Rather like Quetzalcoatl (see below) he demanded that children be sacrificed in his honour. However, when the Christian god got a child of his own, he soon learned to become more responsible; parenthood has often had this effect.- Deity's form: following the death of his first child, the Christian god literally fell to pieces. He's now formed out of a woefully-incestuous trinity of the Father (the old testament God), his Son (a man named Jesus Christ) and the Holy Spirit (sources remain divided on what that is all about). Christians are generally pretty confused by this, so they just worship the Son part (hence, Christian) and hope that the Father and the Holy Spirit can work things out on their own.
- Creation Myth: their god is cagey on this issue, claiming that he simply asked for it to happen. This does not sound like a genuine creation myth, and so most Christians believe God is hiding something - possibly he is too highly strung to admit he shat the world out his ass.
- Festivals: it would appear that Jesus became less likeable as he went on - rather like Darth Vader - since although Christians celebrate his birth (a festival known as Christmas), they also celebrate his death (with a slap up fish supper). Apart from these two festivals, there really little reason to want to be a Christian.
- Notes and issues: The Christian hatred of their own god is demonstrable through their insistence on decorating their homes - and even their bodies - with the crucifix, the very instrument of torture and death used to rid the planet of their god.
JEWRY
Christianity and Jewry are very closely related. Indeed, Christianity grew out of the Jewish faith when Jesus Christ was born - the Jews simply didn't much like Jesus.- Deity's form: a well meaning but oppressive old lady, who will insist you eat just a little bit more, for her sake if not yours.
- Creation Myth: the Jewish god is technically the same as the Christian god, so yet again he shat the world right out his ass.
- Festivals: when the Christians left the world of Jewry, they didn't think to take any of the festivals with them. This is a shame since they now have to sit around eating turkey, chocolate eggs and fish whilst the jews get to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simhat Torah, Chanukah, Tu Bishvat, Purim, Pesach, Minouna Omer, Lag Ba Omer, Shavuot, Tamuz and Tu Be Av. Even the Jews can't remember what they're supposed to do at each festival, so they generally just cook up a feast, dance like crazies and have fun.
- Notes and issues: chopped liver is very rich, so go easy already.
QUETZALCOATL
Both the Christian and Jewish gods are considered to be all-powerful and humanitarian forces of nature. It is at this grass-roots level that the Desperate and Joyful Worship of Quetzalcoatl the Wing'd Serpent diverges from the other two world religions. The worship of Quetzlcoatl is less inspired by a desire that the god will help you and your kin propser in the world, and more a desperate bid to avoid the god swooping down in the night and devouring you and your kin.
- Deity's form: a primordial wing'd serpent which can reach speeds of up to 75kmph in freefall descent. Rather like the Christian god, Quetzalcoatl began as a trinity: his head contained the thirteen levels of heaven, his body the five continents of earth, and his tail the nine rings of hell.
- Creation Myth: Quetzalcoatl vomitted the universe into existence following a disagreement with Xotic. It is suggested that it is simply Quetzalcoatl's desire to get the universe back where it belongs - in his stomach - which explains his tireless efforts to swoop out of the sky and devour everyone and everything.
- Festivals: Rather like the Christian Christmas, those who worship Quetzalcoatl hold an annual feast to celebrate the passing of winter. However, unlike the Christian festival, only the strongest and most beautiful men are permitted to consume the food. They eat for at least fourty eight hours and then - when their bellies are full - they are tied to the roof as a sacrificial offering to Quetzalcoatl. This desperate bid to fill up their god until the next year never works, and communities are fortunate if they come away with more than two thirds of their population intact.
- Notes and issues: according to the ancient Codex 456, Quetzalcoatl created fire, discovered maize, domesticated animals and established the Aztec priesthood. This has proven a dubious assertion - it is more likely that Quetzalcoatl breathes fire, and ate the maize, the domesticated animals and the Aztec priesthood.
Update: the Tongs are spreading religion! This page is now Google's third result for "GodSpot", and first for "shat the world right out his ass".